WARNING: I have been told that this post might be construed as a 'pity party' and that some people won't like it. I am sorry if you feel that way, but that is not that way it is meant to be received. The whole point of this blog is for me to write about what I am feeling and this is what I'm feeling. So...
I've been struggling a bit lately with my 'singleness' (which I didn't think was a real word until spell check left it alone just now). Yes, I'm lonely, but that's nothing new. I have just reached a point lately where I really want to be in a relationship again. It's been more than a year since I've even been on a date. As much as I hate dating, it's a necessary step toward finding someone. There is something holding me back though...
Most of my adult life, I have been fat. So, it's easy to make the connection between my fatness and my troubles with women. You try to convince yourself that it doesn't matter, but you know it does. Other people, especially women who are not interested in dating you, will also try to convince you that it has nothing to do with your weight. It has almost everything to do with it.
I say 'almost' because there have been a few short periods in my life when I wasn't overweight. I didn't have any success with the ladies then either, but I should point out that those were brief moments in my lifetime of otherwise being fat. So, it's easy to chalk up all my problems to insecurity and lack of self-esteem, which stems from being fat and being rejected because of it.
I won't even focus on the girls who rejected me from the beginning. Let's just look at the one's who accepted me temporarily. Every girl that I ever cared about eventually left me for someone who was in better shape. That's just a fact.
The worst example is, of course, my ex-wife. I actually got a warning from a friend of mine before we were married. My friend, Mary Lynne told me that my then-fiance had asked her if she thought I was going to lose weight before our wedding. My ex then said that she thought I needed to lose about 30-40 pounds before the ceremony.
Let me take a second to point out that if you don't think that's a terrible thing to ask, then just think of it this way. What if a man asked that question about his bride-to-be? What if he went to one of her friends and asked "Hey, do you think she's gonna lose weight before our wedding? She really needs to drop about 20 pounds." There's no way that conversation is not offensive.
It bothered my friend very deeply. It bothered her so much that she told me about their conversation as soon as she could. Mary Lynne said that she didn't even know why it made her uncomfortable, but that she knew that she needed to tell me.
I pretended that it wasn't a big deal. After all, I did need to lose weight before the wedding, right? I told her not to worry and I tried to forget about it, but it always lingered in the back of my mind.
My marriage had plenty of problems, but I know what was the biggest problem. I gained weight. In some ways, I think I let myself go because I wanted to prove to myself that she would love me no matter what...
I'm not just assuming that she stopped loving me because I got fat (or fatter). She straight-up told me on more than one occasion that she stopped loving me because I got fatter. It's very hard to be the best version of yourself for someone who doesn't really love you.
This is not a sob story. I'm not looking for pity and I am certainly not looking for a phony pep-talk about how "it doesn't matter what you look like" because you will never convince me that is true.
The reason I am writing about this, aside from my goal of being honest about what I'm going through, is because I know that I have to come to terms with these emotions. I read an interesting article about the importance of a 'feedback loop' in fitness success. Basically, it says that you have to see 'fitness reward' that is more positive than your 'fitness pain' is negative.
In some ways, this blog is my feedback loop. It is meant to keep me on track. However, no matter how much weight I lose, or how much thinner I look, or how much better I feel, it won't be enough. The number on the scale getting smaller can motivate you to keep going for a while, but it is not enough.
So, what do you want? I want to be in a real relationship with a woman who really loves me. I know that these two things (love and appearance) should be separate, but they're not. I want to find love and I know that I can't do that unless I look better (and by that, I mean be thinner).
This may not be the best approach to fitness or love, but I'm being completely honest here. I am doing this for all the right reasons, but none of those reasons will hold up over time. The only positive 'reward' that will be worth all of the 'pain' is love.
* * *
Last week I averaged about 2400 calories per day and I walked over 40,000 steps. I only lost 0.6 pounds, but that feels like a huge win on Thanksgiving week.
I have lost 23.2 pounds total (in 56 days).