The Ground Is Harder When You Hit It At Full Speed...

Vince Lombardi said "It's not whether you get knocked down, it's whether you get up."

It was bound to happen sooner or later.  Something was going to tempt me at the wrong time, in the wrong place, and I was going to fall face-first off of the wagon.

Well, after ten weeks of staying the course, I finally tripped.  I consumed around 7500 calories on Saturday.  I won't bore you with all the details, but there was a buffet brunch, a road trip, and a Christmas party involved.  It was an all-out binge.

When I got home late Saturday night, I made the decision to fast on Sunday.  Please do not reply with comments about how I didn't eat enough calories on Sunday.  I firmly believe that occasional fasting is good for the mind, body, and soul.  I am in no danger of being malnourished because I fasted for one day.

That being said, the fast worked.  It was like detox.  I feel like I'm back on track even after a terrible day of excess.  It was fairly easy to right the ship this time.  I hope it will be a while before that happens again.

* * *

I made another unfortunate trip to the Friend Zone last week.

A few weeks ago, I ran into a girl that I worked with in the past.  When I say that we worked together, I mean it in the loosest sense of the word.  We worked for the same company in different departments and we never interacted with each other.  While we did know each other, we didn't hang out together.  We were basically just acquaintances who had the same employer.

I ran into her at a charity event a few weeks ago and we exchanged phone numbers.  I wanted to ask her out, but I didn't want to be ambiguous about it.

In the past, I have made the same mistake over and over by saying something like "I've been invited to this awesome event, would you like to be my date?" or "I have tickets to this awesome concert, do you want to go with me?"

I knew what I was doing.  I was being non-threatening and friendly (and trying to avoid instant rejection).  I was hoping that they would go with me (which they almost always did) and maybe they would fall for me when they saw how great I was (which they never did).

Not this time.  This time I was determined to be clear about my intentions.  This time I gathered up my courage, picked up the phone, and said the words "I want to take you out on a date."  I know that I said it right because I wrote it down on a note card before I called.

"I want to take you out on a date."

...AND she said yes!  What?  Did that really happen?  Awesome!

No... not so fast...

Unfortunately, the date idea was to go to an awesome event with a very exclusive guest list.  Maybe that's why she misunderstood me.   Five minutes into what I was certain was a 'real' date, she made an offhand remark about the guy she's been seeing.

I think you could actually hear my ego deflating at that moment.

I know one thing for certain about dating.  If she is talking to you about another guy, you are not on a date.  You are 'just friends' and (in my case) you're going to stay 'just friends' because she'll never see you any other way.

Needless to say, I 'm disappointed.  I was so sure I had been more transparent with my intentions.  In the end, I'm just too 'friendly' for my own good.

I am trying to focus on the quote from the top of this entry.  "It's not whether you get knocked down, it's whether you get up."  It's a little harder to do when it comes to romance, but my only other choice is to stay on the ground.

I don't like it on the ground.

* * *

Last week I averaged about 2800 calories per day, and I only walked 24,000 steps.  Nonetheless, I lost 1.6 pounds.

I have lost 27.8 pounds total (in 70 days).

By the way, THIS is what a bad day looks like when you count your calories...

When Opportunity Knocks...

Recently, I have been given some extraordinary opportunities to pursue a few lifelong dreams of mine.  It's actually quite overwhelming to be faced with such good fortune.  I am doing my best just to keep everything in perspective.

Doctor Oz, who is a frequent guest on our radio show, read this blog and asked me to write an article for his website.  It was a huge honor just to be asked.  I am writing this blog for very personal reasons, but it helps to know that people read it.  It helps even more to know that some of them actually like it.  I don't foresee this turning into a side job, but it is nice to know that I can still write.  I hope that my journalism professors and my high school English teacher, Mrs. Gibbens, would be proud.

Stand-up comedy on the other hand is something I have always dreamed of pursuing beyond parties and open mic nights.  I am not going to quit my day job and sacrifice everything in order to pursue such a career.  However, I have kept working on material and practicing my delivery just to hang on to the dream.  It's also a lot of fun.

Killer Beaz has also been a frequent guest on our show.  He has been my friend for over a decade now.  I have never asked him for help.  I didn't want to put him in that position.  However, during a show in Baton Rouge a few weeks ago I got the chance to open for him and he was impressed.  He invited me to open for him on Saturday and it went very well.  Now, I have a gig in Huntsville, AL doing stand-up comedy on New Year's Eve.  It's amazing how things can happen so unexpectedly.

I want to do all of these things that I enjoy.  I just can't lose sight of my goals.  I can't let food get in the way any more than it already has.

I didn't walk at all this week.  I'm not going to offer any excuses except to say that there just wasn't any time.  I know that's not good enough.  I have to find ways to exercise even when I'm extremely busy.

This is not going to be an easy journey.  Sometimes, it's important to remind ourselves of that.  If I lost one pound every week for two years, I would still weigh 240 pounds.  My life would be radically different.  It would be a vast improvement, but I would still not be done.

I would still be obese.

This is a marathon, not a sprint.  I need to just keep on walking and do my best to enjoy the walk...

* * *

Last week I averaged about 2400 calories per day, but I only walked 17,000 steps.  I lost 3 pounds.

I have lost 26.2 pounds total (in 63 days).

Here's a bonus picture from my stand-up routine on Saturday night.  I have no idea what story I'm telling in this picture, but I bet it was a good one...

Love Is All You Need...

WARNING:  I have been told that this post might be construed as a 'pity party' and that some people won't like it.  I am sorry if you feel that way, but that is not that way it is meant to be received.  The whole point of this blog is for me to write about what I am feeling and this is what I'm feeling.  So...

I've been struggling a bit lately with my 'singleness' (which I didn't think was a real word until spell check left it alone just now).   Yes, I'm lonely, but that's nothing new.  I have just reached a point lately where I really want to be in a relationship again.  It's been more than a year since I've even been on a date.  As much as I hate dating, it's a necessary step toward finding someone.  There is something holding me back though...

Most of my adult life, I have been fat.  So, it's easy to make the connection between my fatness and my troubles with women.  You try to convince yourself that it doesn't matter, but you know it does.  Other people, especially women who are not interested in dating you, will also try to convince you that it has nothing to do with your weight.  It has almost everything to do with it.

I say 'almost' because there have been a few short periods in my life when I wasn't overweight.  I didn't have any success with the ladies then either, but I should point out that those were brief moments in my lifetime of otherwise being fat.  So, it's easy to chalk up all my problems to insecurity and lack of self-esteem, which stems from being fat and being rejected because of it.

I won't even focus on the girls who rejected me from the beginning.  Let's just look at the one's who accepted me temporarily.  Every girl that I ever cared about eventually left me for someone who was in better shape.  That's just a fact.

The worst example is, of course, my ex-wife.  I actually got a warning from a friend of mine before we were married.  My friend, Mary Lynne told me that my then-fiance had asked her if she thought I was going to lose weight before our wedding.  My ex then said that she thought I needed to lose about 30-40 pounds before the ceremony.

Let me take a second to point out that if you don't think that's a terrible thing to ask, then just think of it this way.  What if a man asked that question about his bride-to-be?  What if he went to one of her friends and asked "Hey, do you think she's gonna lose weight before our wedding?  She really needs to drop about 20 pounds."  There's no way that conversation is not offensive.

It bothered my friend very deeply.  It bothered her so much that she told me about their conversation as soon as she could.  Mary Lynne said that she didn't even know why it made her uncomfortable, but that she knew that she needed to tell me.

I pretended that it wasn't a big deal.  After all, I did need to lose weight before the wedding, right?  I told her not to worry and I tried to forget about it, but it always lingered in the back of my mind.

My marriage had plenty of problems, but I know what was the biggest problem.  I gained weight.  In some ways, I think I let myself go because I wanted to prove to myself that she would love me no matter what...

She didn't.

I'm not just assuming that she stopped loving me because I got fat (or fatter).  She straight-up told me on more than one occasion that she stopped loving me because I got fatter.  It's very hard to be the best version of yourself for someone who doesn't really love you.

This is not a sob story.  I'm not looking for pity and I am certainly not looking for a phony pep-talk about how "it doesn't matter what you look like" because you will never convince me that is true.

The reason I am writing about this, aside from my goal of being honest about what I'm going through, is because I know that I have to come to terms with these emotions.  I read an interesting article about the importance of a 'feedback loop' in fitness success.  Basically, it says that you have to see 'fitness reward' that is more positive than your 'fitness pain' is negative.

In some ways, this blog is my feedback loop.  It is meant to keep me on track.  However, no matter how much weight I lose, or how much thinner I look, or how much better I feel, it won't be enough.  The number on the scale getting smaller can motivate you to keep going for a while, but it is not enough.

So, what do you want?  I want to be in a real relationship with a woman who really loves me.  I know that these two things (love and appearance) should be separate, but they're not.  I want to find love and I know that I can't do that unless I look better (and by that, I mean be thinner).

This may not be the best approach to fitness or love, but I'm being completely honest here.  I am doing this for all the right reasons, but none of those reasons will hold up over time.  The only positive 'reward' that will be worth all of the 'pain' is love.

* * *

Last week I averaged about 2400 calories per day and I walked over 40,000 steps.  I only lost 0.6 pounds, but that feels like a huge win on Thanksgiving week.

I have lost 23.2 pounds total (in 56 days).

Little victories are better than little failures...

...and little failures and better than big failures.

This is a very stressful time of year.  This week is a two-day work week.  That might sound great, but it also means that there is a week's worth of work to do in two days.  My parents are in town visiting.  That's nice too, but it is still another thing to think about this week.  Of course, the biggest thing is the food.

There is food everywhere this time of year.  It's almost a cliche that we will struggle with food issues through the holidays.  It's not even Thanksgiving yet and D brought meatballs covered in grape jelly to work this morning.

I'm going to set My Fitness Pal at 'break even' and be more than happy if I make it through this week without gaining weight.

The real battle starts on Sunday, when I wake up in an empty house with no guests, nothing to do, and hungry...

I must stay on course no matter what happens in the next 5 days.

* * *

Last week I averaged about 2500 calories per day and I walked over 43,000 steps, but I only lost 0.8 pounds.

I have lost 22.6 total (in 49 days).

I am FINALLY wearing new shoes though!

Everybody Has The Answer...

If you aren't careful, you can be overrun by other people's advice. 

Everybody thinks they have the best answer for how to lose weight.  Here's the thing... you probably don't know the best answer for someone else.

In my first blog entry I said, "I'm not asking for your advice." That hasn't stopped people from giving it to me anyway. For the most part, I appreciate the little tips and well-meaning anecdotes that people share.  

The only time it bothers me is when people are adamant that their solution is the only way or the absolute best way. There may be 'wrong ways' to do this, but there is absolutely not 'one true' correct way. 

Yes, some diet programs work for some people.  Yes, some exercise programs work for some people. No, I am not going to try it your way. At the great risk of sounding unappreciative and maybe even a little rude, let me tell you about some of my favorites... 

1.  "You really need to follow a Vegan / Vegetarian / High Protein / Low Fat / No Carb / All Carb / Paleo / Plant-based / Whole Food / Atkins / Sugar-Free / Gluten-Free... diet."

All of these diets work very well for certain people. I have tried at least half of them at one time or another. I know that they don't work for me. What I'm doing right now is what I believe to be my best chance to succeed. So, not only am I not going to follow the same diet that you are following, but I don't think we should all be so insistent that other people eat the way we do.  There are a lot of ways to eat healthier than the average person.  Pick one and do your best to stick with it.  There's nothing worse than watching the Paleo crowd and the Vegan crowd argue with each other in the comments below a Facebook post about your new diet.  That kind of thing only makes this process more difficult for people who are struggling to better themselves.  If your diet works for you and makes you happy, then that's great.  You want to tell people how great it is?  That's fine.  Please do not belittle my diet choice as being inferior to yours.  It's not necessary, not helpful, and not true.  

2.  "I know that you are walking right now, but you really need to try Crossfit / Weightlifting / Bicycling / Swimming / More Cardio / Resistance Training / p90x / Yoga / Pilates / Running Up Stairs Until You Puke..."

Once again, just like with the diets, I'm sure that your workout regimen works great for you.  If it does, that's a great thing.  I need to walk.  I need to walk more than I do now. I certainly need to walk a lot more than I was six weeks ago.  That's what I'm doing right now.  That's what I'm comfortable with.  That's it.

3.  "I heard about your weight loss journey and I wanted to tell you about AdvoCare / Medifast / Nutrisystem / Jenny Craig / Weight Watchers / Isagenix / Hydroxycut / Garcinia Cambogia / Super Mega Tape Worm Tablets..."

I am eating less.  I am moving around more.  I am taking a few vitamin supplements that I already know about and understand and like.  I have no intention, at this time, of using any other system or pill.  Thanks though.

4.  "You really need to go ahead and just have the weight loss surgery / Whatever you do, do NOT get that weight loss surgery." 

As I explained in one in a previous blog, I am not getting the weight loss surgery now, but if this plan does not work then I am absolutely going to do it.  Please stop trying to convince me to follow another path.  If you have had the surgery and it has changed your life for the better, then that's great. If you had the surgery and it was terrible, then I am sorry about that.  (I should point out that no one has told me that they had the surgery and they regret it.  It's only people with second and third-hand accounts of people they know who had complications from the surgery or did not get the results that they wanted.)  I have already made my decision and I am going to stick with it.  I do appreciate your concern for my well being, but I am going to stick with my plan.

Let me just say once again that I REALLY APPRECIATE everyone who has reached out and offered their encouragement.  I hope no one is offended by this post.  I'm not just doing it to be snarky.  It really does frustrate people when they are bombarded with conflicting advice from every direction. We need to all remember that.  If someone asks for your advice, give it to them.  However, it's not always okay to try to tell people that your way is the best or only way to achieve something.

* * *

I had a little trouble this weekend.  I was staying at the L'auberge Casino Hotel and they have a magnificent buffet.  Buffets are a huge issue for me.  I LOVE THEM, but I know they are bad for me.  I resisted the temptation on Friday night, but then I hit the buffet for lunch on Saturday.  I still tracked all of my calories as best as I could.

In the end, I ate about 3700 calories on Saturday, but I got right back on track Sunday.  I averaged about 2500 calories per day and I walked over 43,000 steps (even though I spent two whole days driving).

I lost 1.8 pounds since last week and 21.8 total (in 42 days).

(Sorry Andreas... I forgot the new shows again...)


Bonus video:

When I hear or read people arguing about why their diet is better than all the others, I think of this clip.  It's from an episode of The West Wing where Josh is listening to experts lobbying for alternative energy.  Each one just beats up on everyone else's proposal.  It makes them all seem awful.  That's how I feel about diets.  No solution is perfect, but we have to do something.

I think about cheeseburgers...

They say men think about sex every 7 seconds.

It's probably a little bit less than that, but not by much.  I'm not going to dig too deeply into that cliche, but I will add something else into the mix.

I think about food constantly.  It's all I think about, all the time.

Well, when I'm not thinking about sex (because, after all, I am a man).  So, for argument's sake, let's just assume that the old saying is true.  If I think about sex every 7 seconds, then I probably think about food 5 out of the remaining 6 seconds on average.

I daydream about all the bad things I'm trying hard not to eat.  I mostly think about cheeseburgers.  I'm not entirely sure why.  I love cheeseburgers, but I wouldn't say they're my favorite food or even in the top five.  Nonetheless, if you see me with a glazed over look, I'm probably imaging a juicy cheeseburger or a naked woman... or both...

Side note: On Saturday, my friend Mary Lynne, said, "I have never watched one of these Hardee's/Carl's Jr. commercials and thought anything other than how disgusting it looks.  Nothing about a hot girl eating a giant sloppy cheeseburger makes me want to eat there."  That's because you are not the target of those advertisements.  I assure you, they are very effective.  In fact, just thinking about it right now makes me want a cheeseburger...

Who am I kidding?  I wanted a cheeseburger anyway.

I don't just think about 'bad' foods though.  Even when I have my entire day's meals planned out, I still think over and over again about what I'm going to eat next.  I imagine this is what a heroin addict feels like.  When you are not high, you are always thinking about your next high.

Last week, during all the CMA Week craziness, I couldn't stop thinking about food.  CMA Week is one of the biggest sources of my favorite type of food.  FREE FOOD.  There was free food at the CMA broadcast orientation on Sunday, at the official broadcast everyday, at the pre-CMA parties, and, worst of all, at the after-parties.  This isn't just free food.  It's GOOD, free food mixed with free drinks.

The amazing part is that (this time) I didn't eat much of it.  I just wish I didn't fantasize about it.

I don't know how to fix it.  I don't know if I can fix it.  I don't even know if I want to fix it.

I just know that it's something I'm struggling with everyday.  Maybe if I could stop thinking about cheeseburgers, I'd be happier eating a salad.

Nah... probably not.  It's still a salad.

* * *

I had a good week.  I averaged about 2100 calories per day and I walked over 36,000 steps.  I had very little time for dedicated workouts during CMA week, but I still managed more steps than I did three weeks ago.

I lost 4.2 pounds since last week and 20.0 total (in 35 days).

Also, my good friend Andreas keeps pointing out that the shoes I'm wearing are old and ragged.  He correctly remembers that these are the same shoes I was wearing when we were in Paris in August.  He also remembers that they were "past their prime" even then.  Well, I had every intention of wearing brand new shoes today.  I already bought them.  I just forgot to put them on this morning.  So, you get to see a picture of my old, ragged shoes one more time.

Here's a bonus picture of me in my (over-sized) suit for the CMA Awards.

It's CMA Awards week, so this will be brief (I hope).

I'm sitting here at the end of a very long day which is only the start of a VERY LONG week.  I promise that I'll have many more insightful things to say next time, but right now I just want to give you quick update and then crash...

CMA week is always a lot of work and a lot of fun.  I'm excited about going to the show Wednesday night as well as several other events and parties throughout the week.

It's interesting how I have gone through phases with concerts and live events.  When I was younger, I couldn't get enough.  Then, I got married and I enjoyed being at home with my family.  I still went to a LOT of events, but not nearly as many as before.

Now, I'm divorced and I find myself happy to be out of the house for almost any reason.  So, I go to everything.

That's not the only reason though.  I think I took things like concerts, music industry parties, and award shows for granted.  Since my divorce, I have a new appreciation for this lifestyle.  I have always known that it was a privilege, but now I have a stronger desire to participate than ever before.

Still, it isn't fun to wear a suit when you weigh over 350 pounds.  Then again, it isn't fun to wear anything when you weigh over 350 pounds.

I am just going to suck it up, put on the suit, shine my shoes, and look as good as I can.

Oh, and try desperately to not eat too much of the free food at all the parties...

* * *

I had another great week.  I averaged only 2000 calories per day and I walked over 49,000 steps, which is 8,000 more than last week.  I even walked over 4.1 miles in one workout on Sunday afternoon.

I lost 2.4 pounds since last week and 15.8 total (in 28 days).